Back on Blogger :)

It seems as though this is the only place that I can express my feelings the way that I want to without starting drama in my life. It may seem as though I run away from threats but I'd rather someone think that than bringing more drama into my life. :) And this blog will stay to myself for the most part. I'm not going to be advertising that I'm staying consistent with this particular blog like I did with past blogs (aka my Tumblr... it no longer exists).

Tumblr.

i made a tumblr :) (ncvance.tumblr.com)
i've definitely been keep it a lot more updated than this blog, but i've really been enjoying blogging in general. i used to make a blog, post once or twice and than forget about it so i was surprised with myself when i found myself consistently posting :) literally, more than once a day.

My brother came home from over seas yesterday <3 FINALLY. he was gone for 4 months, it was really hard while he was gone, but from the moment i saw him it was as if he had never left :)

i'm always finding myself falling in love with my boyfriend over and over <3 he is the most outstanding boyfriend. i couldn't ask for any one better! i couldn't even think of any one better than him :) i just wish i could be married to him already. haha. its natural for women to feel that way, in my opinion... so i dont feel weird about it :) ha.

thats my update for now!

stress

WOW, was today stressful. I swear I could cry myself to sleep. Not for any specific reason other than I'm so glad to be home. The day did remind me, though, of how much I miss my grandparents :( I haven't thought about it much because its been so long since they've passed, but once I'm reminded of all the memories, it reminds me of how much I miss them :( I remember crying so much about it when I was little and today just brought it all back to me.
On top of that I have a research paper due tomorrow that I'm totally and completely unprepared for, which I take full responsibility for. My unacceptable excuse is that I've just been so busy with work and family this past weekend that when I had a chance to relax my body would just put me right to sleep because of the exhaustion.
Registration is also a huge stressor right now. The deadline is conveniently the same day my research paper is due... TOMORROW. Awesome. I hope this whole wereprobablynotgoingtobeabletopayforregistrationuntil30minsbeforeitsCclosed thing doesnt last each semester... it really sucks and makes me feel like I shouldnt be going to college at all.

News!

GOOD NEWS! i've found myself :) i've answered the wandering questions and thoughts that i had a short time ago and i am totally content once again. to be honest, i think that there will forever be small ruts like that on the road i'm walking, but with each one i grow stronger.
for anyone who reads my random blog (i have no idea if anyone does)the answer to my "how does someone find themselves" question is so simple: just be. i know that can be easier said than done, but if you're being honest with yourself and ask yourself that question, you will find the answer. i basically told myself: "Nikki, you know who you are. forget the bullshit and be yourself. dont try to be who you think other people want you to be. that wont get you any where. you just gotta be who you know you are and if there are things you want to improve on, then do it!"
in all seriousness, i know that i was trying to impress other people, being embarrassed about things that i thought other people wouldnt like about me and i was totally ruining the person i am and i was bruising relationships that were (& are) important to me. people close to me could tell i had lost myself some where and guess what? i totally did. without a question i let other people affect me and the person that i am... UNACCEPTABLE. my life was definitely not happy when i was trying to live it the way others wanted me to.
now that i've found myself, i dont need anyone else. i obviously want other people in my life and there are people who i want to always be in touch with and close to, but i keep them in my life because i want them there :)

I'M LIVIN' MY LIFE FOR ME (&God) NOW :D and i've never felt better.

who i am

more like who am i? how do you find yourself? somewhere in all the high school drama and other miscellaneous things that were going on (plus all of the emotions that come along with the drama and misc. things), and the new things i had to adjust to, i totally and completely lost who i am. i know who i want to be in the future, i just dont know who i am right now. i know the qualities that i hold... but how do you define who you are? or even know who you are? are you just supposed to be? just act how you want, say what you want, when you want, where you want, how you want? i don't know....

how does someone find themselves? or find who they are?


i
dont
know

Change.

A lot has changed since I last posted.
I got a job a Michaels, i've been working there for about 2 months, and i love it.
they schedule me, they are fun, happy, and i'm really enjoying it.
College is college. haha. not feeling very different from high school (academics wise),
but i just cant wait to go to a university. i'm ready to step out of my comfort zone
and find some genuinely good people/friends :)

i thought i had a lot more to say... guess not.

Do-Over

So, I thought getting scheduled 1 day was bad.. they cut my shift and didn't schedule me at all for this coming week... AWESOME. At this point I'm beyond frustrated. My plan is still the same... time to look for a new job. This just sucks. I don't WANT to have to look for another job.
I guess I gotta keep my head up and go after a better job...
Besides that, I started college, which is going well so far. My classes are pretty demanding and I know I'm gonna have lots of homework, but this new chapter is so exciting nothing is gonna hold me back :)